What is it like to be a Funeral Director? (Part two)

Towards the end of October we brought you the first part of our blog, talking to Funeral Director Gary Hetherington from Jayne Prior Funeral Directors in the North East of England. If you missed it, you can read that blog here.

In today's blog we continue our conversation, in the hope it sheds some light on a profession little of us know a great deal about. We begin by talking about death and grief, something we are both committed to ending the taboo and stigma around and encourage open conversations. Gary goes on to talk about funeral services, providing some really helpful questions he wishes people to ask prior to instructing a Funeral Director.

This is a subject really close to our heart. Despite society recognising that we need to talk about this subject more there is an understandable, but nevertheless seemingly insurmountable, obstacle to making this happen.

This lack of discussion shows itself at the point of need and I have had families cry when they beat themselves up because they can only think of one piece of music that their mam liked, or chose a funeral against the written wishes of their departed family member, because it is not what they would have for themselves.

We have tried a range of methods to raise the profile of this discussion particularly in exposing ourselves to harder scrutiny, myth busting and a more in-depth examination of our service provision via community forums, health forums and safeguarding arenas.

The power to motivate this however is beyond local funeral directors and by way of example as to the inertia we face, direct cremations have been an option for several years yet it took the impact of the Covid Pandemic to make this widely chosen by families. It is today apparent that families do indeed wish to have this option at their disposal but felt reluctant to choose this as is was just not a normal/traditional approach.

The current impact is that there are an increasing number of options to families which at the point of need simply overwhelm families at a time of loss and grief eg water cremation, green burials and at home funerals. This results in families often using the first funeral director they contact, a situation which some funeral directors appear to rely on and one which leaves families vulnerable to committing to high prices and limited options.

This is therefore an issue where greater and wider discussion needs to happen to protect families firstly from financial vulnerability and secondly from low quality service levels.

Generally most funeral homes are separated into three areas:-

* Public facing areas include front reception and possibly a private room where families can sit in private. The image of these are changing away from dark (and somewhat depressing) environments to a brighter, more inclusive environment.

* Chapel of Rest - A private environment which allows families to visit and view their loved ones.

* Mortuary - This is an area seldom seen by families and again one where we would like more intrusive family examination. We frequently allow families to see this facility as it is where the deceased are cared for in a temperature controlled environment and prepared for placing into their coffin. Mortuaries are regulated and have strict hygiene procedures in place.

There may also be some vehicle storage at the premises as well.

Again this is an area we are struggling to educate our client base so I will answer this in three sections. If we break it down into lists, people may wish to refer back to it:

One - Traditional funerals

* Which Funeral Director
* Chapel Visits or closed coffin.
* Own clothes or gown
* Cremation or Burial
* Hearse and limousines including specialist hearses (horse drawn carriage)
* Which Officiant - Religious Minister, Celebrant or Humanist
* Music
* Visual Tributes
* Webcasting
* Press notice
* Floral Tributes
* Curtains open/closed
* Donations
* Orders of Service
* Return of cremated remains
* Celebration of life (wake)

Two - Direct Cremation

* Local or national crematorium
* Return of Cremated Remains
* Celebration of life

Three - These are the areas we would wish families to consider

Armed with more knowledge, consider asking these questions prior to speaking with a Funeral Director:

* Do I need/want a funeral director?
* How many do I have to chose from, what are their reviews, what are their prices and most importantly when I speak to them how do they compare?
* Where do I want my loved one to rest.
This is important as many families believe, and many funeral directors will sustain this belief, that the deceased needs to rest in a funeral home. This is simply not true (where the Coroner is not involved) the Next of Kin has sole control over this and if they decide that their loved one is to rest and cared for at home then so be it. This can also include deciding when the deceased is taken from the home (there is no rush).
* What are all the options around burial - graveside service, green, private land etc
* What are all the cremation options - water cremation, do I have to have a service at the crematorium or can I go elsewhere (we offer our chapels for small services at a lower cost removing the need for vehicle hire).
* What are the hidden extras when pricing a funeral - out of hours conveyance etc
* Can I have a say on the tone of the service and dress code of those attending
* What help can I get to fund the funeral and when do I have to pay?

The first step is that we work openly with families so they can chose the right funeral for them at the right price.

We offer support for families applying for DWP payments and offer funeral finance with payments up to 5 years. We also provide advice in relation to crowdfunding, something that we've noticed more people relying on to help pay for a funeral.

The current climate dictates that most services are stretched beyond capacity and there is always room for improvement. There have been several incidents recently where we have reminded families of the support their GP can offer and have spoken to the GPs ourselves to raise concerns. One of the first things we can focus on is by getting people to talk about their future, their plans when they die, their wishes etc. Talking about grief and grieving more openly will make these conversations easier to have.

I hope you have enjoyed reading Gary's thoughts on his profession, something he is evidently proud to do. His honesty and openness have really shone through and I hope you find his advice helpful.

If you missed part one of my conversation with Gary, you can read it here.

Check out all of our previous blogs here.

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