How to Cope with Grief at Christmas

My dad died unexpectedly this summer. Everything feels different now, a time before Dad and a time after. With Christmas just weeks away, as a family, we're not talking about how we feel - we're going through the motions trying to prepare Christmas for the children, friends, and wider family.

We didn't spend Christmas Day with Dad; he spent the day with his wife and our step-family, so I imagine it is even harder for them to prepare for the day without him. It isn't just the day itself that's problematic - there are reminders of those we love everywhere. Traditional meet-ups, phone calls, the buying and exchanging of gifts, the increase in family films on television and songs that stir memories can soon become too much to bear. In preparation for our first Christmas without Dad, I thought I would take a look at the advice on how to cope at Christmas after the death of a loved one.

As my opening paragraph suggests, there isn't a definitive answer to this; even within our family, people have different experiences and memories of Christmas, and it is impossible to plan for all eventualities and emotions.

Don't be afraid to prioritise your needs - say no to any events or functions you don't fancy attending. You might want to be surrounded by people or feel like being alone - that's okay. Try not to isolate yourself entirely and keep good people around you who you feel you can talk to, especially if you're struggling.

Taking care of your mental and physical well-being is important, especially when emotions are heightened. The hustle and bustle of the Christmas period can often lead to stress, so prioritise your self-care by ensuring you get enough rest, eat a balanced diet (which can often be hard over Christmas), and engage in activities that bring you peace. Getting out in the fresh air is always a good way to help manage periods of stress and grief.

Try not to feel guilty if you enjoy yourself, even for a moment. Christmas is painful because of memories, and you might not feel like it, but it's important to make new memories with family and friends - they'll help you cope in the future.

Not being in a routine can be triggering for people who are grieving. Try to plan something to do each day and throw yourself into it. It's okay to embrace your grief and allow yourself to feel sad and angry if you think that will help. Planning something to honour your loved one's memory might be nice, perhaps creating a new tradition.

Consider starting a journal or a blog. Many people find writing their thoughts and feelings down helpful. Perhaps you might like to create a memory book for your loved one, packed with memories, thoughts, photographs and anything else you would like to look back on to help you when you're feeling sad.

It is okay not to be OK at this time of year, and people will understand. Try not to overwhelm yourself and focus on getting through each day. If you don't feel like doing Christmas, tone it down this year and have a quiet one. Whilst many of us have Christmas traditions, it is fine to skip them this year. You may make new traditions - like eating pizza for dinner or not leaving the house all day.

You can drink alcohol as you would, or if you wish to; however, it is important to be aware of how much alcohol you may be drinking over the Christmas period. With the holiday season often filled with social events and parties, it can be hard not to get caught up in the occasion. For somebody who is grieving at Christmas, alcohol can sometimes worsen the feelings of grief, so it is important to know your limit and be comfortable in letting people know this.

There are many resources available to support you with your grief:

Cruse Bereavement Support: If you’re struggling to deal with grief over Christmas, you can call the Cruse Helpline on 0808 808 1677.

MIND: MIND have compiled a list of services that can help with all aspects of grief.

Samaritans: You can call the Samaritans 24/7 on 116 123, email them at jo@samaritans.org or check out their website for other ways to get in touch.

We put much pressure on ourselves at Christmas for what is ultimately just one day. It will be different this year; there will be tears, but I hope there will also be laughter, new memories and love. The best advice I can give myself is to not put too much pressure on or try to please everyone - try to be present in the moment and accept nothing will ever be exactly the same again.

I hope you can learn to do the same this year and keep loved ones close this Christmas. Remember to reach out to family, friends, or any of the professional organisations mentioned above if you're struggling.

Thank you for reading.

You may wish to pay tribute to your loved one with a free tribute on our Christmas Memorial Wall here.

Check out our previous blogs here.

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